Usually, it takes me quite a while to wake up. After I rise from bed and do the necessaries, I’m still asleep. Then, something or someone will make me feel as sparkly as a diamond. Now, I’m fully awake. The world becomes my doll house. There are toys all around me. Everything is beautiful: the words in a book, the photo of a waterfall in Africa or the beauty of my cat’s white and black fur. I’m freed from the prison of sleep.
Sleep does seem like a prison. I can’t hear a song while I’m asleep. I can’t read a poem while I’m asleep. I can’t eat a delicious chocolate chip cookie while I’m asleep. I’m locked in my bed. The covers hold me back from movement like the bars of a prison hold a prisoner in his dungeon. I have no power to make decisions. My dreams choose me. I want to dream about a field of red poppies. I receive a dream about a car crash with me at the wheel. The dream makes me scream, clutch my pillow and sweat because it has taken me back to an unwanted past, to a time when my whole family died in a car wreck murdered by a drunk driver.
So, why would I want to die? Death is sleep. Sleep is death. I hear a whisper. ” Don’t be afraid. Death is just like going to sleep. You can’t feel a thing.” That’s exactly what I don’t want. I don’t want to not feel, to become totally numb. Besides, I do feel in sleep. I feel a baby’s hand reach for my hand. I am the dream baby’s mother. I can’t save the baby even though it looks right into my eyes asking me to do something, anything. No, death is a challenge for me to accept. Where will it take me that I don’t want to go? Will there be no escape? The thought makes me tremble. Do I have to die before reaching Heaven? So much to ask of me. Me, who haven’t asked for much in this life. Does He want more from me before giving me pleasures forevermore? Then, I must live now. I must open my eyes wide. I must become a child again and grab the toy that I want. I must become selfish to get what I don’t deserve, but what I want so much.
When I’m fully awake, I smile. My premature death is gone. It’s a practice session I take each night. My life begins. The one I want. The one where every choice is mine. I can choose to open the curtains and look out at the fog. I can choose to drink coffee or tea. I can choose to listen to the song of a robin. I can choose to make a new friend. I can choose to pray to my God now or later. I have all these freedoms in my hand when my eyes awake to a new day. Please, don’t let the stars and moon return to quickly. Make the day longer. I will force myself to stay awake and greet each hour and each minute.
Simplicity 